So I took a bit of an unintentional break due to a couple out of town trips, my aunt unexpectedly having a major surgery, Thanksgiving and my heart just wasn't in it. Things have been a bit crazy but as I write that I just thought, "Yeah really? But when isn't it crazy?!?" LOL That is in part because I have three boys and also because I can't really just do nothing. Sometimes I envy those who can just do nothing and then I get to thinking that I could be doing a million other things instead of doing nothing. So... There you have it.
Where am I now...? Well, I'm officially signed back into classes. I will be starting my journey to becoming a nurse in January. We're doing school and work and life around these parts. I'm a little worn out but I suppose that comes with the territory. I don't want to be that lady that just blogs and complains about being a SAHM, having kids, how nothing ever seems to get done even when it's done, the poop, the stains and the glory. LOL Though I often feel like this is right on cue... that's not all that life is about. I had decided that I'd start to make a list for myself as I find topics that I'd like to write about. I'm a list person. I like them. They make me feel "together". I have lists for everything.
One of the things I knew I wanted to write about was how I really believe that if you have a little faith (not speaking in a religious sense), you do the right things, you stay on the right path... things will fall into place wherever that "place" may be. I'm not religious by any means. I don't even know if I really believe in anyone's God but I do believe in something bigger than ourselves. I believe that there is good and evil, right and wrong, truth and lies. I have no idea what our purpose is or what this all will mean. I do believe that our energy is a part of our "light" so to speak. I believe that nobody's energy really ever leaves and I believe in an afterlife. I believe that if you love people unconditionally you are a good person. But that doesn't mean that you have to like or approve of the decisions that they make... it only means that regardless of their faults you will love them anyway.
I try to be a good person. I try to be open-minded and I usually accept most people for who they are and I try to remember that we are all different. Compassion may be a weakness of mine as I think sometimes I want to help everyone and take in all the hurt babies of the world before I want to do anything else. I have a hard time saying no and I'm quick to say 'sure' if someone asks me for help. My feelings are easily hurt (when it comes to people that are closer to me) because even if there are no ill intentions I tend to think that it might be my fault or something I did. I think I'm mostly a good person with a few faults along the way that could use some improvement.
At this point I'm going to head back into the whole point of this post (if there even is one). Oftentimes, things just sort of fall into place for me. Sometimes I have to work for things and other times I don't. The things I have to work really hard for are things that you can't buy. Those battles are my own. Things falling into place has sort of been this way most of my life. I have a wonderfully supportive family and I have a few very close friends. I surround myself with good people with good morals and we tend to be like-minded. They are also people who love, accept and are forgiving. They are not discriminatory about anyone's race, creed or color. They are the same kinds of people that would really give you anything if you needed it. Sometimes it's a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold. Sometimes it's just a really good bear hug.
Despite my eagerness to be the person I'm proud to say I am... lately, I have not been a very pleasant person to be around. I have not been showing the best parts of me. By the time Chris comes home I am usually in a horrible mood and he gets the worst part of me. By the time he comes home I have been up to my eyeballs with children and food and errands (yes, by choice) and I. AM. TIRED. I am mentally and physically drained. We have a very strong-willed three year old and I have spent much of my day fighting him. "Sit down!" "Quit jumping on the couch!" "If you jump off of my (platform) bed one more time..." "Will you please just eat your food?!?" "Stop taking things from your brother!" And our one year old is now climbing and standing on tables and trying to do everything that his little big brother does. They both get bored and I think of the things that I 'should' be doing with them. I think of the mom that I'm supposed to be. The crafts we should be doing. The skills I should be instilling. The lessons I should be teaching. But I am just not that mom at this point. Don't get me wrong. Our children are well taken care of. They are fed properly, bathed regularly and have clean clothes every day. But I am not that pinterest mom. For awhile I was trying so hard to be "that" mom and "that" wife. But I'm not. I'm just not.
And guess what... that's okay because all that I do is enough. I am a good mom (most of the time). We eat balanced meal (most of the time). I teach them right from wrong. I protect them from getting hurt (most of the time - I have boys... bumps, bruises, scrapes happen). I have them in pajamas and in bed at a decent hour (for them and for me). We wake up a normal hour and I have everyone in regular clothes usually before we step foot downstairs.
But there's some quote or saying about paddling upstream and for the life of me I can't find it OR remember it. But the gist of is that it's a pain in the ass to paddle upstream and you won't get very far as you're battling the current. The idea of life is to go with the flow. Easier said than done? Absolutely. But I'm bringing this up because while I was driving earlier today, frustrated with my mood and other feelings I couldn't seem to shake, I couldn't choke back enough tears. My anxiety has kicked up in the last few days and last night while laying in bed the really bad anxiety kicked in. The kind where I couldn't breathe. The kind that if I didn't know better I could've sworn someone was pressing on my chest. I kept thinking of all of the things that I couldn't get right. All of the things that were wrong. I was a bitter mess until earlier (a quick visit with my aunt helped. I needed her and some perspective.) And then that whole paddling upstream came to me. I had to have that moment to remember that I was struggling because I was focusing on all the wrong things. This isn't one of those "epiphany" moments... but just a quick reminder that I needed to stop. Just stop. Look around. My life works much better when I'm going with the flow and taking my time. It works better when I'm not trying to take on every battle. Some battles aren't meant for me. Some might be. But just handle things. Take it as it comes and figure out what you can handle. Let go of what you can't.
I am thankful for Chris. And I have apologized for giving him my ugly self. I want to share the best me with him and our kids. The me that the clerk at the store sees. The me that strangers see. I'm nice to all of them. I smile at them and say, "Thank you. Have a good one!" Why should they get the best of me? I don't even know them! LOL He is a forgiving person. He is patient with my ups and downs and he loves us. He loves me. He loves me even when I'm paddling upstream. And sometimes he's there to remind me that I'm being shitty and that I need to turn things around.
I'm working on trying not to battle everything. To just breathe. I've been back and forth on working on this for awhile. Some days are good, some days are better and others not so much. But I'm trying. Just be a good person, do the right thing, love people, take care of your family and take a deep breath... Things will fall into place.
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