I think that sometimes things seem so much worse in the middle of the night. Our feelings are so much more sensitive. And often your wives, mothers, daughters cry it out in the middle of the night. Maybe men do too but I wouldn't know for I am female... I only know how I am and I know that I'm not alone.
It's 2:19am and I'm writing this on my dimmed iPad with an awake one year old (how many nights in a row is this? I'm fucking tired.) nestled in my armpit. Chris brought him to me when he woke up screaming. T was in his bed. I want him back in his bed. I'm tired. He's dying to touch this iPad with his tiny little slobbered on finger. I've spent the last hour+ dragging him by his leg so he doesn't fall off the bed. In the dark. I've given him his cup a kagillion times. And I've contemplated everything meaningful and not in the last hour+. In the dark. He won't stop rolling around or scratching the sheets. For the love of Pete!!!
I'm suffocating.
I'm leaving for a trip next week. With the two littlest. By myself. I can't breathe when I think about the airport and the flight. Though I'm sure all will be fine. I'm good at flying. I'm good at juggling. I'm good at momming. Mostly. I have 4-5 large loads of clean clothes piled in a corner that need folding. But dishes are clean and trash is out. Did need to ask my neighbor for a trash bag though... Somehow I forgot that.
"Drink," says the wee one. Handing him his cup. Again.
Anyway, I'm tired. I'm suffocating. I'm struggling to keep myself. I sometimes don't even know who I am anymore. Who am I without kids? Without wifely duties? Without cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc? I don't know. I don't read much anymore. Partly because I just want the book I'm waiting for to come out. Partly because by the time that I have time I'm too tired to read. Fall is here so gardening is out. I ripped everything out last week. Or he week before? And.... That's it. I don't have anything else. Anyway...
I'm going back to school. Again. I register for classes next week. The fall just didn't work with all of the going back to school for B-Man and Little E starting some preschool classes. Plus I missed some deadlines. So. Winter. I'm worried but I really want this. I'd be a great nurse. Especially a labor and delivery nurse. There's a great pre-nursing program and then I can transfer to UW in a couple years. By the time I finish T should be ready for kinder.
Pulling him back by his leg. Going to roll over me and off the bed. Sigh. Poked his head around my iPad and yelled, "THIS!"
Anyway, I'm contemplating life in the middle of the night. Sometimes we cry. (The bathroom is usually a good place for that too. Lol) Sometimes I just want the Gods to send down any sort of break, patience, understanding, courage or whatever it is that I need. Because I don't have any of it right now. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
Instead they have sent rain which can be equally as good for your soul I suppose. I think you're supposed to stand IN the rain though and if I did that I might be labeled crazy and I might get blown away. Gusts strong enough to knock our power out are not meant to be tested. Lol So that's it for tonight. I guess I'll lay here holding onto his leg, listening to my neighbor's frog in their yard (that they've tried to find effortlessly so they can relocate it LOL) and the rain. And the little one pounding on my headboard. Sigh.
Almost two hours in with a baby who's wide awake. Who needs sleep? Lord knows I'll be up at the crack of fucking dawn with children who need/want me to feed them and save the world. I. AM. SUPERWOMAN. Yes, I am.
Good night. Again.
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