I think that sometimes things seem so much worse in the middle of the night. Our feelings are so much more sensitive. And often your wives, mothers, daughters cry it out in the middle of the night. Maybe men do too but I wouldn't know for I am female... I only know how I am and I know that I'm not alone.
It's 2:19am and I'm writing this on my dimmed iPad with an awake one year old (how many nights in a row is this? I'm fucking tired.) nestled in my armpit. Chris brought him to me when he woke up screaming. T was in his bed. I want him back in his bed. I'm tired. He's dying to touch this iPad with his tiny little slobbered on finger. I've spent the last hour+ dragging him by his leg so he doesn't fall off the bed. In the dark. I've given him his cup a kagillion times. And I've contemplated everything meaningful and not in the last hour+. In the dark. He won't stop rolling around or scratching the sheets. For the love of Pete!!!
I'm suffocating.
I'm leaving for a trip next week. With the two littlest. By myself. I can't breathe when I think about the airport and the flight. Though I'm sure all will be fine. I'm good at flying. I'm good at juggling. I'm good at momming. Mostly. I have 4-5 large loads of clean clothes piled in a corner that need folding. But dishes are clean and trash is out. Did need to ask my neighbor for a trash bag though... Somehow I forgot that.
"Drink," says the wee one. Handing him his cup. Again.
Anyway, I'm tired. I'm suffocating. I'm struggling to keep myself. I sometimes don't even know who I am anymore. Who am I without kids? Without wifely duties? Without cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc? I don't know. I don't read much anymore. Partly because I just want the book I'm waiting for to come out. Partly because by the time that I have time I'm too tired to read. Fall is here so gardening is out. I ripped everything out last week. Or he week before? And.... That's it. I don't have anything else. Anyway...
I'm going back to school. Again. I register for classes next week. The fall just didn't work with all of the going back to school for B-Man and Little E starting some preschool classes. Plus I missed some deadlines. So. Winter. I'm worried but I really want this. I'd be a great nurse. Especially a labor and delivery nurse. There's a great pre-nursing program and then I can transfer to UW in a couple years. By the time I finish T should be ready for kinder.
Pulling him back by his leg. Going to roll over me and off the bed. Sigh. Poked his head around my iPad and yelled, "THIS!"
Anyway, I'm contemplating life in the middle of the night. Sometimes we cry. (The bathroom is usually a good place for that too. Lol) Sometimes I just want the Gods to send down any sort of break, patience, understanding, courage or whatever it is that I need. Because I don't have any of it right now. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
Instead they have sent rain which can be equally as good for your soul I suppose. I think you're supposed to stand IN the rain though and if I did that I might be labeled crazy and I might get blown away. Gusts strong enough to knock our power out are not meant to be tested. Lol So that's it for tonight. I guess I'll lay here holding onto his leg, listening to my neighbor's frog in their yard (that they've tried to find effortlessly so they can relocate it LOL) and the rain. And the little one pounding on my headboard. Sigh.
Almost two hours in with a baby who's wide awake. Who needs sleep? Lord knows I'll be up at the crack of fucking dawn with children who need/want me to feed them and save the world. I. AM. SUPERWOMAN. Yes, I am.
Good night. Again.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
My Sister's Fixing to be a Mama
Sigh.
Sometimes life gets incredibly hectic. You know it. I know it. It just happens.
And often I post about it. I post about the chaos. The poop. The dirty parts of parenting. And often I end my post with "it's still a good life and totally worth every minute. Rock your shit homie." Well, not exactly like that but mainly that's what I'm trying to say. That life if freaking nuts and then you take a look around and you have love mostly every minute of it.
The last two weeks have been a whirl wind. In many and mostly always good ways. But still... a crazy little dust devil happened here. Sort of. (Did you see that though? The Zonie came out in me. "Dust devil" LOL)
My sister, my soon-to-be-brother-in-law and my soon-to-be niece are finally here. Baby should be making her arrival sometime in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, before I make my trip back to our home state. LOL I know that the move was difficult in more ways than just deciding and physically moving. It's hard to leave something that holds your roots. That holds a special part of your heart. I also know that going to a place without knowing what it has to offer is just as difficult. I could burst into tears if I really got down to the nitty gritty of how I feel about their move. And I'd probably make some people uncomfortable. :) But the truth is I love all three of these people. And I'd do anything to help them see a beautiful life. I'm so thankful for them. And good Lord I cannot wait to meet my niece and watch my little sister and Rob grow into great parents. If only you knew. <3 (fucking tears LOL)
This picture is a few years old... but it's a good one and probably the most accurate to date. This winter we'll add a new one... with all of the babies. :)
Savana, Dustyn and I have a special bond. I think. If they don't feel it with me... well... they're up shit creek because we have a freaking bond. Damn it. I've always felt "motherly" towards all of my siblings. I don't know why. It's in my nature. I was born this way I guess. I'd do anything for them. And I'd shoot lasers out of my eyeballs at anyone who tried to hurt them. And at times... I may have or I may have done a thing or two other than shoot lasers to protect them.
I'm not sure I could express to you how much I adore my sister. I couldn't be more proud of the woman she has become. I've always admired her. Though I'm 6 years older than her and we've had some growing differences due to our ages... I've always loved her free spirit, sense of self, her love, patience and her ability to relish in what she truly finds beautiful. (And her ability to take her time. Carefree.)
My earliest memories of her are after my mom brought her home from the hospital. (Not immediately per se but definitely soon after.) I was determined to be able to hold and carry her. As an adult I'm sure that terrified my mom. I guess my mom's 30 years of parenting haven't always been easy... wasn't then and isn't now. LOL SORRY MOM!! Anyway, I even broke my collar bone after checking in (on my skates) and going from tile to carpet after my mom asked me to check on her (when she was fussing). I'm sure I loved checking on her. I still love checking on her. But I hit the carpet. Or the carpet hit me? Broken. Brace. Lame.
No matter what differences we have had or what things we've gone through I think I always knew that I wanted her in my life. Forever.
Since before I could remember she said she wanted to be an "animal doctor". When we lived on the 3.5 acres she spent most of her time with the animals. Tonight we talked about when my mom's horse had a baby. The Vet came out and stuck her gloved arm up the horses hoo-hoo and that was it. Savana wanted to be an animal Dr. LOL With all of our animals and land she was always either petting cats, puppies, horses or sitting in a bucket of water. :) She was always petite and very sweet. Her pace was slow... and she wanted to stop, see, touch and smell everything along the way. She was often told to stop "dinking around" and to "hurry up".
When she hit middle school I loved that she had so many friends. So many GOOD friends. There were a group of them that did everything together. In all honesty I think at times I was envious of the relationships that she had built. Happy for her but still somewhat envious. I was not at all like her in middle and high school. I was a social butterfly and often fell into some sort of drama about who did this or said what. Their relationships with each other were different (though I know they had their own drama, I'm sure). They had all loved a HUGE range of music and she and her friends helped broaden my love of other artists and different genres. They weren't afraid to be themselves and supported each other through some very difficult times. At times, when I think back to how I saw her, it often resembles a movie. But even if their bonds didn't remain as strong up until now they still were strong in a time that is difficult for most people. And at some point they all got tattoos of a puzzle piece and each piece was filled in with something that was more like them. (Jessie - I swear I was writing this before your last post and just modified it after she got here. LOL) They are/were pieces from the same puzzle. Each one an individual that had something special to bring to their group.
Anyway... I'm sort of rambling. Who Savana has become is close to my heart. And in all honestly, it's not until they got here that I was reminded of how much I absolutely need her in my life. How much I want her in my life. And I've always wanted her in my life... But the distance we've had hasn't always made being in each other lives (in the last couple of years) easy. I'm trying hard to not be so motherly. I'm trying to not overwhelm her with my need to try to take care of her. :) That's not always easy for me. I'm trying hard daily to remind myself that she doesn't need me to take care of her and that she's her own woman who's building her own family. I just hope she knows how proud I am. And that I think she's going to be a wonderful mother and wife.
Today (generally speaking) she and Rob are waiting for their daughter to make her arrival . I know that they both are fairly private people and I hope that this post doesn't cross any lines. I just needed the world to know that I am so incredibly thankful for them. All three of them. And that I know that life isn't always easy. I know that life decisions are difficult and scary. I know that becoming a mother/father for the first time can be terrifying/exciting/nerve-racking/awesome all at the same time. I know that sometimes life is chaotic. But it is beautiful. It is worth every bit of stress and joy. I hope that they find every bit of happiness that they deserve. Because they deserve it all. They're truly good people. From deep down inside of their souls.
So even though life is crazy and chaotic at times it's still a good life and totally worth every minute. Rock your shit homie.
Sometimes life gets incredibly hectic. You know it. I know it. It just happens.
And often I post about it. I post about the chaos. The poop. The dirty parts of parenting. And often I end my post with "it's still a good life and totally worth every minute. Rock your shit homie." Well, not exactly like that but mainly that's what I'm trying to say. That life if freaking nuts and then you take a look around and you have love mostly every minute of it.
The last two weeks have been a whirl wind. In many and mostly always good ways. But still... a crazy little dust devil happened here. Sort of. (Did you see that though? The Zonie came out in me. "Dust devil" LOL)
My sister, my soon-to-be-brother-in-law and my soon-to-be niece are finally here. Baby should be making her arrival sometime in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, before I make my trip back to our home state. LOL I know that the move was difficult in more ways than just deciding and physically moving. It's hard to leave something that holds your roots. That holds a special part of your heart. I also know that going to a place without knowing what it has to offer is just as difficult. I could burst into tears if I really got down to the nitty gritty of how I feel about their move. And I'd probably make some people uncomfortable. :) But the truth is I love all three of these people. And I'd do anything to help them see a beautiful life. I'm so thankful for them. And good Lord I cannot wait to meet my niece and watch my little sister and Rob grow into great parents. If only you knew. <3 (fucking tears LOL)
Savana, Dustyn and I have a special bond. I think. If they don't feel it with me... well... they're up shit creek because we have a freaking bond. Damn it. I've always felt "motherly" towards all of my siblings. I don't know why. It's in my nature. I was born this way I guess. I'd do anything for them. And I'd shoot lasers out of my eyeballs at anyone who tried to hurt them. And at times... I may have or I may have done a thing or two other than shoot lasers to protect them.
I'm not sure I could express to you how much I adore my sister. I couldn't be more proud of the woman she has become. I've always admired her. Though I'm 6 years older than her and we've had some growing differences due to our ages... I've always loved her free spirit, sense of self, her love, patience and her ability to relish in what she truly finds beautiful. (And her ability to take her time. Carefree.)
My earliest memories of her are after my mom brought her home from the hospital. (Not immediately per se but definitely soon after.) I was determined to be able to hold and carry her. As an adult I'm sure that terrified my mom. I guess my mom's 30 years of parenting haven't always been easy... wasn't then and isn't now. LOL SORRY MOM!! Anyway, I even broke my collar bone after checking in (on my skates) and going from tile to carpet after my mom asked me to check on her (when she was fussing). I'm sure I loved checking on her. I still love checking on her. But I hit the carpet. Or the carpet hit me? Broken. Brace. Lame.
No matter what differences we have had or what things we've gone through I think I always knew that I wanted her in my life. Forever.
Since before I could remember she said she wanted to be an "animal doctor". When we lived on the 3.5 acres she spent most of her time with the animals. Tonight we talked about when my mom's horse had a baby. The Vet came out and stuck her gloved arm up the horses hoo-hoo and that was it. Savana wanted to be an animal Dr. LOL With all of our animals and land she was always either petting cats, puppies, horses or sitting in a bucket of water. :) She was always petite and very sweet. Her pace was slow... and she wanted to stop, see, touch and smell everything along the way. She was often told to stop "dinking around" and to "hurry up".
When she hit middle school I loved that she had so many friends. So many GOOD friends. There were a group of them that did everything together. In all honesty I think at times I was envious of the relationships that she had built. Happy for her but still somewhat envious. I was not at all like her in middle and high school. I was a social butterfly and often fell into some sort of drama about who did this or said what. Their relationships with each other were different (though I know they had their own drama, I'm sure). They had all loved a HUGE range of music and she and her friends helped broaden my love of other artists and different genres. They weren't afraid to be themselves and supported each other through some very difficult times. At times, when I think back to how I saw her, it often resembles a movie. But even if their bonds didn't remain as strong up until now they still were strong in a time that is difficult for most people. And at some point they all got tattoos of a puzzle piece and each piece was filled in with something that was more like them. (Jessie - I swear I was writing this before your last post and just modified it after she got here. LOL) They are/were pieces from the same puzzle. Each one an individual that had something special to bring to their group.
Anyway... I'm sort of rambling. Who Savana has become is close to my heart. And in all honestly, it's not until they got here that I was reminded of how much I absolutely need her in my life. How much I want her in my life. And I've always wanted her in my life... But the distance we've had hasn't always made being in each other lives (in the last couple of years) easy. I'm trying hard to not be so motherly. I'm trying to not overwhelm her with my need to try to take care of her. :) That's not always easy for me. I'm trying hard daily to remind myself that she doesn't need me to take care of her and that she's her own woman who's building her own family. I just hope she knows how proud I am. And that I think she's going to be a wonderful mother and wife.
Today (generally speaking) she and Rob are waiting for their daughter to make her arrival . I know that they both are fairly private people and I hope that this post doesn't cross any lines. I just needed the world to know that I am so incredibly thankful for them. All three of them. And that I know that life isn't always easy. I know that life decisions are difficult and scary. I know that becoming a mother/father for the first time can be terrifying/exciting/nerve-racking/awesome all at the same time. I know that sometimes life is chaotic. But it is beautiful. It is worth every bit of stress and joy. I hope that they find every bit of happiness that they deserve. Because they deserve it all. They're truly good people. From deep down inside of their souls.
So even though life is crazy and chaotic at times it's still a good life and totally worth every minute. Rock your shit homie.
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